Monday, March 13, 2006

this is reality















This is not at all what I feel like today, all that cheery sunshine, that happily gurgling water, that warm light of the end of a wintry afternoon.....

Oh-ho-ho no! What I feel like is a black, barbed-wire fence, kind of ball of dirty despair. I hate that feeling. Nothing, nothing I have done today has lifted it, not even the tiniest bit. All the usual things, the things I turn to when I need a bit of joy, they are blah empty dusty useless futile exercises in futility! Oh I hate it when I feel like this.

Why? I ask myself. The problems that have me in knots now were also there when I felt light and free and happy. That just goes to show you that problems are the real things. This cynical angry frustrated being just realized that minimizing problems when you are feeling "light and free and happy" is a gross error in judgment, perhaps fatal, brought on by too much happiness.
This miserable jail of problems on every side, monsters that dissolve out of the hard stone walls to terrify my imagination, horrors that well up under my feet, pain and shame and fear that has my body on the rack -- that's reality. I just didn't see it with my "light and free and happy" rose-coloured glasses, that's all. Now, this is more like it:

.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Terry/Oregon USA said...

I'm enjoying your blog - we've been many of the same "places"

1:03 PM  
Blogger Jude said...

Your winter has been very long. And so much snow!! I'm sure you'll feel brighter once spring arrives.

5:36 AM  
Blogger Googs said...

What an interesting blog you have. Hope you are feeling better soon.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I know that feeling.
The sun returns again, sometime sooner than you think it will ...

5:45 PM  
Blogger Kati said...

Shee-oot! My mood can go up and down like a roller-coaster in one day; maybe dependent on whether or not the sun is shining... 'course, my worries re the paying job have added to my stress lately. Thanks all for the kind words and encouragement.

3:59 PM  

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