the stories we tell ourselvesl

Years ago, when I was still very raw from the breakup of my marriage, a wise co-worker at my paying job made one of the most radical statements I had ever heard in regards to relationships. She said:

We never compromise. We both do, or get or give what we want.

At first, I had a lot of trouble understanding how this could possibly work. I came from a dysfunctional family where nothing was freely and unconditionally given. Eventually, there was always an accounting: I did so much for you, you owe me...; or you should be ashamed, you are so demanding, selfish, needy...

I did learn, after a lot of pain, that I was always struggling to maintain control of an uncontrollable situation.

Control is an illusion. When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we forfeit ourselves and enter into a reactionary dance with our object of attachment. We hang on and hang on and justify it in so many ways, forgetting that our only business in the lives of others is to love, simply love, "let go and let God."

Why do we do it? This article by Lynne Forest on the web does a great job of explaining the pathological triangle of roles we assume in control dramas.

She suggests first to take responsibility for ourselves. Then we begin to "allow ourselves to acknowledge and express our true feelings, even when doing so is uncomfortable".

One very interesting aspect to me was the constant presence of guilt in the victim role, and how learning "to sit with guilty feelings without acting on them is a big part of resisting the Victim game. Feeling guilt does not necessarily imply that we are out of integrity with ourselves. Guilt is a learned response. Sometimes guilt indicates that we've broken a dysfunctional family rule." Feeling guilt in such a situation should be celebrated. Then such rules that prohibits growth should be thrown away!

I recommend the whole article, by the way.

In my own life, the best relief I have had from some of the most destructive relationship patterns, came from deliberately discarding bad religion and replacing it with a spiritual practice. I found this definition of a spiritual practice that will do nicely:

A spiritual practice is anything that we do on a daily basis to practice quieting our racing thoughts - our unruly ego so that we may look inside and see what is in our hearts and in our soul. Our thoughts are usually a result of believing what we were taught as a child - that we were not enough, that we were too much, that we would be abandoned if we had feelings. Listening to those thoughts are what creates suffering in our lives.

Beginning the path of spiritual practice is described quite well in the Introduction to the book God Without Religion, by Sankara Saranam.

Two steps are involved in preparing to seek direct knowledge of God.

The seeker's first step is to assess his reliance on beliefs instilled in him by
spiritual leaders, teachers, self-appointed gurus, or well-intentioned parents
or friends. It is important to realize that the truth of an idea cannot be
established based on the authority of its proponents. In fact, because of their
positions some religious leaders no longer engage in actively seeking the truth.
Ultimately, only when individuals are free to challenge authority does spiritual
growth become possible...

The seeker's second step in preparing for a
more meaningful understanding of God is to use his own intellectual faculties to
evaluate his beliefs. A critical investigation of beliefs increases the
willingness to take responsibility for them and also nurtures self-reliance.

Meditation and yoga have been two rituals that I have practiced "religiously" (not really, but the playing with words was soooo tempting.) Just be-ing, not judging my thoughts, not judging my body, accepting myself with love, has created new spaces for better thoughts. Some of the harshness of my ego has quieted down...

My next step has been to make new stories that I tell myself often: stories of fun, joy, discovery, magic, and apppreciation.

This has been extremely hard to do this past week as we made do without water. We hope the problem was fixed at last, today...Nobody said a spiritual path is smooth, but I wish I could have faced these problems with more humour, equanimity and courage. I was by turns the Victim, the Persecutor, the Rescuer and then the Victim again. Poor Me!! The Stories I could tell you!!Ah well. It just goes to prove I'm on a human journey.