Wednesday, August 30, 2006

menu for a melancholic evening

Sage and Rosemary Roasted Potatoes
Buttered Steamed Fresh Green Beans
Fried Egg
Fresh Tomato Salad
Earl Grey Tea and Honey

"melancholy." mel-uhn-kol-ee noun, plural -chol-ies, adjective

1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression.
2. sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.
a. the condition of having too much black bile, considered in ancient and medieval medicine to cause gloominess and depression.
b. black bile.

4. affected with, characterized by, or showing melancholy; mournful; depressed: a melancholy mood.
5. causing melancholy or sadness; saddening: a melancholy occasion.
6. soberly thoughtful; pensive. Unabridged (v 1.0.1). Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Some days are just like that, melancholy. No, if I'm honest, I would have to admit that the day itself was just itself, a day: sunny, fairly warm, an occasional pleasant-enough breeze. So that would mean that I am the melancholy one today. Why?

Maybe there is no reason and then there are many.

One of them might be lack of sleep. Chronic pain in my right neck and shoulder again kept me awake most of the night. Not being able to sleep, I gave up and read for a while, light, silly stuff guaranteed to distract me. Then, of course, I slept in very late.

Another thought that made me very melancholy today was that I felt so lonely. Is it a rational thought? Probably not. I could have called on at least half-a-dozen friends who would have been able to cheer me up.

I hesitate to be so brutally honest here, as if talking about one of the temporary moods I am experiencing at this moment, might doom me to being perceived as being in a perpetual melancholy mood. Another reason that I hesitate is because it's difficult to talk about intimate needs that usually are discussed only obliquely and covered with a lot of hilarity in my social circles. Only a couple of my friends, I would say, are completely comfortable with such discussions, and unfortunately, they were not available for a heart-to-heart today. Oh, and another reason that pops into my mind for my hesitation is the dismissal of a mood (a woman's mood only, mind!) with the insulting: "it's hormonal" or "are you pms-ing?" or "it's just menopause" (GRRRRRRRR!@#%$##@*&^!)

Oh, there are a couple of my darling good friends who would 'stand in', as it were, if I were made that way :) . Ah me, but I'm not. No matter how easily I can see and understand others enjoying a sex-buddy, I cannot do it.

That is also part of my melancholy, the longing at times for a real life-partner, someone to love, someone to love me, someone with whom to share my life. And here I almost feel compelled to jump in with all the courageous statements that are also true: that I am happy as I am, that I enjoy being independent and it's so easy to live without having to consider another person, etc., etc. But it's not going to work if I deny that I do long for that special male companion.

You be perfectly you, let me be perfectly me: uniquely and mutually
flawed. And together we can discover what it is to be human, and what
two humans might be capable of being together.
~~Joy Houghton


Blogger Allotment Lady said...

How I can relate to those feelings - having been on my own for quite a number of years in 'one' land.

Days when you flop down and think 'Yes' this is all mine, noonce can dictate what I say, do, eat, read, cook, think. - when you put your feet up and luxuriate in the joy of total, selfish independence.

Then there are days, when nothing is really wrong - but when you see everyone as 'couples' supposedly living happy every after - and you are walking around in an invisible bubble, isolated and alone - despite having friends or children.

I would sometimes long to accidentally bump into someone when pushing a shopping trolley, just to be touched by another human being. Never did of course LOL

But when you least expect it, and don't particularly want it - fate throws in a 'spanner' and someone 'finds' you.

And you realise that although coupledom is nice and has lots of perks - so do does singledom.

You give up at lot and have to compromise a lot when you become a couple again. Swings and roundabouts. At times the swing is a high, and at others the roundabout is.

2:59 a.m.  
Blogger Garden girl said...

oh just popped in and found you via your link on my blog..what a good read here!
I also enjoy looking into other peoples gardens - what fun!

7:15 a.m.  
Anonymous Ronja said...

I found a comment of yours at in Sweden. Unfortunately I think every blog there is written in swedish - so is mine - but it's nice to find foreign visitors at swedish blogs anyway.
I have only read your latest post but I'll get back to you and read more...
Gardening is my first interest, thoughts of life the second...

3:29 p.m.  
Blogger mrsnesbitt said...



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