Monday, February 12, 2007

dried up


I keep telling myself this is temporary. It won't last forever. Those are the phrases I keep repeating to console myself.
There are reasons, I tell myself. I have many reasons for feeling like I'll never write another word that is interesting. I wonder if anything I have ever written is interesting. I wonder if perhaps I shouldn't take my writing and just hang the cd's from the scarecrow in the garden this summer -- not that I actually even have a scarecrow. Certainly the stuff I bled all over my handwritten journals should probably be shredded and burned. It might not even burn, damn it!

I'm so stuck that I feel like I am glued to this chair. I'll just continue to sit here, maybe connected intravenously to the coffee pot, munching on the most grossly artery-plugging junk food I can find, slowly swelling up, growing bigger and bigger, bulging out of the chair, until finally I just leak out onto the floor, on and on...like some giant, disgusting fungus-like science-fiction monster.
Did I mention I have reasons? Hmmmm. Now what were they? Oh. Maybe one of them was the overwhelming newness of a new computer and it's new operating systems. Maybe it's because all the bugs haven't been worked out yet. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm worried that all the negotiations I have been making to arrange my trip to Ethiopia will just fizzle out because I'm too tired to finish anything. Maybe I just don't know where to start with the mundane chores I've been neglecting: the dishes, the laundry, the garbage, the tidying. Paperwork and bills are piling up. Changes I have contemplated making towards getting a new and different paying job mean taking action that I haven't taken. I'm worrying that I'm not keeping an eye on Misty, caring for her after her surgery, as well as I should. I'm worried that I'm missing symptoms of possible complications because I don't feel confident in my powers of observation. A new and expensive supposedly squirrel-proof bird feeder isn't. Spider mites on the lemon verbena and the hibiscus are taking over. The rosemary is probably unhappy in the warmth of the south-facing window. Even daydreaming about the plans for the coming season's gardens seems like a chore. I haven't even started to order any seeds yet because I don't know what it is I might want.

Oh. And then there's guilt. I haven't talked to any of my kids for days or is it weeks? I miss hanging out with my Granddaughter. I haven't done lunch for ages with M. or F. or K. or C.. I wonder if I'm even capable of meaningful relationships.

OK. That's what I feel like. Maybe I shouldn't resist it, allow myself this day to feel miserable. Some more rational part of me is trying to remind me that I have had some marvelous fun lately, very recently in fact: a dinner party, great conversations, nourishing heart-to-hearts with understanding friends, glorious snow, brilliant sunshine, birds at the feeders. I'm going to ignore my conscience which is telling me to be grateful today. I'm going to be a grump just for today and wallow in it. Maybe after getting thoroughly disgusting, I'll get it out of my system. Then perhaps, the inspiration will return and I'll be re-energized.

I dreamed last night that I was stripping wallpaper from a wall in an old house. This house, (the house I live in, not the abandoned house across my laneway of the photos above) but only vaguely so. It was incredibly satisfying and I was happy.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Blackswamp_Girl said...

This is probably small comfort... but I wish that my bouts of writer's block were half as eloquent as yours, Kati!

(I also wish that I could be invited to one of those dinner parties you mentioned above--I need some more things like that in my life.)

8:33 PM  
Blogger e4 said...

We should start a club!

I think it must be the time of year or something, but there's a lot of that going around.

Here's hoping that first sunny 50F day of spring makes it all melt away...

1:33 AM  
Blogger Kati said...

Kim, you're invited. I love planning dinner parties almost as much as I like having house guests!

e4, count me into the club. I have struggled with depression, so I've read all sorts of things to try to figure it out, SAD etc. The thing I've found makes the most sense is the need to get outdoors, no matter the weather, in order to be exposed to those beneficial negative ions (for me, running out to the garage to get into the car doesn't count as outdoors time!). Vitamin D is also in the news. And then, sometimes, I just want to be grumpy for a while! ps, you're invited to my next dinner party too!

2:56 PM  
Blogger Randa said...

I can completely relate, Kati. At this stage of the winter, it's all I can do to pick out clothes for work in the morning. Thank goodness there is now a bit of light in the morning and early evening when I drive to and from work. The full spectrum light I got last month to help with SAD has been a huge boost, and completely worth the money. You are wise to look to the positive things in your life to help get you through a low spot.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Larry said...

A very eloquent account of a bout with the wintertime blues!

4:28 PM  
Anonymous M Sinclair Stevens said...

Some periods are like this. I've learned to wait them out like having a cold. Last week I was up and hyper and felt I could do anything. This week nothing seems interesting--nothing seems possible. Everything seems like drudgery.

When I was younger I'd lie around and moan and whine when I felt like this. Now I just keep on keeping on. Actually I find doing concrete chores helpful--sort of like your dream of stripping wall-paper.

9:56 AM  

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