anguish
Odd things, blogs. I want to be known and there is a certain amount of self-exposure required. The ambivalence is certainly one that everybody experiences to some degree, whatever the interaction transacted between human beings. What weak spots, flaws, fragilities must I show in order to be understood the way I want to be understood? Would protecting myself and those I love put me behind such barriers that the human connection is impossible? There's a happy medium there somewhere, but bless me if I know where it exists!
The reason for all this reflection on exposure is that I feel quite raw right now, in anguish over the fact that my beautiful oldest daughter and her husband are splitting up. There is no assigning of blame or anger at all in my heart. I understand how these things came to this point and I can even see some eventual evolution to a better place for everybody concerned.
I guess the most negative feeling I have is fear that all these wonderful, complex, talented, good hearted people involved -- I mean as families we're all invested in the image we had of these two people as a couple/family -- may not have the strength or whatever it is we need, to allow ourselves to love these two unconditionally still: no judgment, gentle support, open-hearted space to work it through, a safe place to be.
It's easy to offer practical support, mostly meaningless advice, to take sides and to conspire in blame and anger, up the drama and escalate the sense of conflict. It's so much harder to just be there. But that is what is most required, I think, to allow these two essentially great-hearted, well-intentioned, intelligent people to work through this with dignity, maintaining the respect they have toward each other, so that they can come up with solutions that will allow each of them to go forward with their lives as best as possible and to continue to be the best parents possible for my grandchild.
If I had any say in it, and I humbly realize I don't, I would ask everybody to keep their hands off these two right now, and offer instead only a hand to hold, lots of hugs, a shoulder to cry on and lots of kleenex -- and when asked, help in getting their house ready for sale and help on moving day!
The reason for all this reflection on exposure is that I feel quite raw right now, in anguish over the fact that my beautiful oldest daughter and her husband are splitting up. There is no assigning of blame or anger at all in my heart. I understand how these things came to this point and I can even see some eventual evolution to a better place for everybody concerned.
I guess the most negative feeling I have is fear that all these wonderful, complex, talented, good hearted people involved -- I mean as families we're all invested in the image we had of these two people as a couple/family -- may not have the strength or whatever it is we need, to allow ourselves to love these two unconditionally still: no judgment, gentle support, open-hearted space to work it through, a safe place to be.
It's easy to offer practical support, mostly meaningless advice, to take sides and to conspire in blame and anger, up the drama and escalate the sense of conflict. It's so much harder to just be there. But that is what is most required, I think, to allow these two essentially great-hearted, well-intentioned, intelligent people to work through this with dignity, maintaining the respect they have toward each other, so that they can come up with solutions that will allow each of them to go forward with their lives as best as possible and to continue to be the best parents possible for my grandchild.
If I had any say in it, and I humbly realize I don't, I would ask everybody to keep their hands off these two right now, and offer instead only a hand to hold, lots of hugs, a shoulder to cry on and lots of kleenex -- and when asked, help in getting their house ready for sale and help on moving day!
Labels: separation
posted by Kati at 4:41 p.m.
5 Comments:
You are a wise woman, knowing that the best path is one where you are there to be a support, provide reassurance and lend a shoulder to cry on. Having gone through this, the people who helped me most seven years ago, were those who listened without offering pat advice, gave me hugs when I most needed them and did practical things, like looking after my son when that was needed.
The question of how much to expose of oneself in my blog is one I ask regularly. Do I just show certain sides of me, or do I write whatever it is that I want or feel as if I need to say? I try and err on the side of spontaneity and openness because too often I have hidden parts of me that I thought wouldn't meet with approval.
Would like to give you a hug ... and sit for a spell in the garden with you. kate ox
Let's hope some of your compassionate wisdom is also found in the other people around them. It often seems that by the time a split is announced, much of the pain has already occurred. I hope so.
I think you've put your finger on one of the most difficult things about blogging. I've seen good blogs close down because their family and friends used it as a forum for slanging matches, or to obtain material to attack the blogger with.
I wish your daughter and her husband good luck and healing.
kati, I'm sending you a virtual hug...
and please know that when I was going through a divorce, it would have meant the world to me if everyone had approached the situation like you are. That will help them out a lot in the long run, I know...
melanie, I'm thankful that it does not appear as if we are going to be doing that. Everybody is pretty sad, but I think we are all determined that we will continue to love each other the best we can, inspite of some changes in the landscape of that love.
kim, thanks for the hug! I'm a little stunned actually at the way this resonates with the memory of my own breakup, eliciting a little twinge of remembered pain, if you will. All in all, I think they will both go on pretty well and create good lives for themselves and Kaylee, my granddaughter.
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